The Fuckers
Meet The Fuckers
Richard Richard Richardson
President and Founder Graduating Puma Dum Cloud from Harvard, Yale, College of DuPage, and University of Phoenix Online, Richard holds a doctorate degree in human/feline t-shirt technology, and has also passed the G.E.D. in all fifty-one states, as well as both written and road tests for bumper cars at Epcot Center in Orlando, Florida. He enjoys playing on a fantasy bowling league with old friends from the Girl Scouts of the USA, and feverishly following the sugared soda pop tax debate (on which he has no opinion) on AOL message boards.
Frank Businessman
Vice-President As a boy, Frank dreamed of major league stardom, envisioning a tenth position on the field where a defensive “wild-card” player could run willy-nilly through the stands to head off fence-clearing home runs or wild foul-balls. Unfortunately, before he could propose his idea, his career was cut short when he blew out both knees during the 14th inning of game one of the 1987 minor league World Series in the west Atlantic Ocean (the only amateur baseball game to ever have been played on a Carnival cruise liner). Despondent, he considered attempting suicide by hanging. While shopping for a dress tie, he became enamored the fabrics and decided to pursue a career in the world of professional business-related activities.
Joe Douchebag
Clearly doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing, but we have to pay him $25/hour regardless, and can’t fire him yet because of a stupid fucking deal we made with this useless temp agency a few years ago. He’s late at MINIMUM once a fortnight, doesn’t seem to grasp the concept of business casual (this is an office-space, not an outdoor, all-night, 1970s Paris discotheque), and types with his feet—which would be fine (he hovers around 95 WPM) if he didn’t use that glittery nail-polish that strikes some of us as garish, at best. Refuses to learn how to pre-order coffee online for pick-up. Stole a glue-stick. Smells like Target. Left-handed. Get lost, Joe.
Wanda
CFO - She's the overseer of all aspects of financial management, Wanda is in charge of ripping off our shareholders, “cooking the books,” and rolling all of the company’s pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters to deposit, since most banks got rid of the machines that count those. A ball of energy around the offices, Waynda earned the nickname “Pain Train” from her colleagues when she worked as a security guard at a suburban New Jersey miniature golf course. Loves reverse-knitting as well as grilling hot dogs and s’mores over a stovetop with friends, pets and whatever else.
